Only a fool would think that any extraterrestrial life out there is going to travel light years across the galaxy just to be pals. Lives are going to be lost in the great intergalactic war of the worlds, but yours doesn’t have to be one of them. Follow our handy tips and you too can survive an alien invasion.
1. Steer clear of major national monuments
The aliens have done a quick Google for “Earth’s most important monuments” and you can bet your boots they’ll have ships positioned over each of them. Buckingham Palace, the London Eye and Big Ben are the least safe places to be. Certainly do not party on the roof of one of them waving a banner telling the invaders to make themselves at home.
2. Quickly identify yourself as a vegan pacifist
But be willing to go back on your stance if needs be. Because there’s only so much you can take from these bloody extraterrestrials, coming over here and making us pretend that we’re all peaceful, hippy-dippy vegans.
3. ...or have some experience as a pilot
That way, if you do manage to get your hands on some nuclear weaponry you can sling it at the mothership and save the world. You’ll have to get pretty close to said mothership to do it so you personally may not survive – but rest assured that your memory will live on.
4. Be the President of the United States
High tail it out of the White House on Air Force One. You’ll probably be safe tucked away in a bunker until you either a) save the world or b) fail to save the world at which point everyone will be dead anyway so no one will be around to blame you.
5. Do not - repeat, do not - marry the President of the United States
Knowing the president is fine. Working with the president is not without its hazards and you’re on dicey ground being his or her child, but if you are the president’s significant other then you’re pretty much done for. Sorry.
6. Have some pithy one-liners handy
It’s as important to out-quip the alien invaders as it is to defeat them in a show of military strength. Since they can only really speak by manipulating a human host’s vocal chords, you already have the upper hand here. Here are a few to get you started: “Now that’s what I call a Close Encounter!”, “I could’ve been at a barbecue!”, “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle”, “And don’t call me Shirley!”.
7. Take up drinking or quit drinking
The jury’s out on which one will actually save you but if you’re a heavy drinker, try quitting and be sure to point out that you picked a helluva day to do it. Meanwhile, a wee dram of something or other may give tee-totallers better odds of making it. Worth a try, isn’t it?
8. Be an alien
They’re technologically superior, harder to kill and they have a 3,000 mile long space ship. Of course, technically, to the aliens, you already are an alien. But you know what we mean.
9. Be Jeff Goldblum
But that’s just good advice for life.